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Preparing for the most important presentation of his life, a sales rep went to a psychiatrist. "I'll implant a hypnotic suggestion in your mind," said the shrink. "Just say 'one-two-three,' and you'll give the presentation of your life. However, do not say 'one-two-three-four,' because it will cause you to freeze up and make a fool or yourself."

The sales rep was ecstatic. He tried it at home and gave a fabulous presentation. He tried it at work, and got a standing ovation. Then came the big day. Everything was set up in the boardroom and the CEO signaled him to start.

The sales rep whispered under his breath, "One-two-three."

Then the CEO asked, "What did you say 'one-two-three' for?"

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates.

The warden knew that, deep down, Andy was a good person. So, the warden made arrangements for the inmate to learn a trade while doing his time.

Some three years later, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often, he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for citizens of the community.

And he always reported back to prison by early Sunday evening. Andy was a model inmate.

One day, the warden considered remodeling his kitchen, though he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large countertop.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to do the job for him.

To the warden's surprise, Andy simply refused to help.

"But you're an expert, Andy, and I really need your help," said the warden.

"Well, warden, I'd really like to help you, but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

Once upon a time there was a village up in the mountains and in this village lived the Tibet Refugees Isolated from Danger, or TRIDs.

Now, the TRIDs of this village had a problem. There was a giant who lived further up the mountain. Every day at noon, he came down to the village, walked up to a house and knocked on the door. Whoever answered would get kicked.

This went on for many years and finally they asked the Rabbi from a nearby town to talk to the giant. As the Rabbi was going up the mountain the giant appeared, but for some reason the Rabbi wasn't kicked.

The Rabbi asked the giant why he didn't kick him and the giant replied, "Silly Rabbi kicks are for TRIDS!"

Fair Ladies and Noble Gentlemen:

I, RaPUNzel, have a HAIR-raising tale to SHEAR with you written by the Brothers TRIMM.

When I was a young CURL, a jealous queen LOCKed me in a tower.

I was STRANDed and was at my SPLITS END -- truly a damsel in THESE TRESSES!

The queen thought it was a PERMANENT SOLUTION but, day after day, knight after knight would try to climb the tower, which was so tall the FOLLICLE you!

They would climb my BRAID, and if they weren't so handsome, I would give them the BRUSH off.

I wonder if that's where I got my reputation for being such a big TEASE.

One day, a handsome knight named Prince LATHERRINSE tried to rescue me.

He was HEAD & SHOULDERS above the rest.

I said, "COMB and SHAVE me!"

The queen found out about it and cut off my hair.

And let me tell you, Hell hath no fury as a woman SHORNED!

She'll have Hell TOUPEE because I am not someone to TANGLE with.

Prince Latherrinse WISPed me away and we got married and had twins.

But, we didn't live happily ever after because he placed too many CONDITIONERS on our marriage, which were really CRIMPING my STYLE.

So, we PARTED ways and a custody battle ensued.

It came down to SPLITTING HEIRS so he took one twin and I took the other.

So, now I don't date princes anymore because I don't want a LATHER RINSE REPEAT.

And I've gotten back to my ROOTS by changing my hair from BLONDE to brown and this new color is to DYE for.

After all, BRUNETTES have more pun.

Well, that's the LONG AND SHORT of my HAIRY tale.

I bid you all ADO!

(By Tiff Wimberly)