Cybersalt News

The latest addition to the FunBlog is a wonderful musical interlude you shouldn't raise a glass to.  You'll find "Sugar Plum Fairy by Tchaikovsky on Glass Harp" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/sugar-plum-fairy-by-ptchaikovsky-on-glass-harp

Today's featured funny picture demonstrates the difference between men and women shopping (depending on what is being bought of course.
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/sugar-plum-fairy-by-ptchaikovsky-on-glass-harp 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Christmas Downsizing

IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of this season's gift distribution business.  Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share.  He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.  Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer--who will retrain at the Harvard Business School--is anticipated.  Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.  Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.  Effective immediately, the following economic measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"  subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted.  It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective.  In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned.  The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact.  After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option.  An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.  Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.  Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.  It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.  Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it obtains will be more productive.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.  Their function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans are on order.  The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC.  A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.  The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congresspersons.  While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Congresspersons this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big.  A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.  If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.

One-liner #0791

"Opposites attract, which is why it's horrible to be this handsome."

Christmas Baking

This past weekend, I was doing some baking for the holidays. It was getting late and I was tired. So, I decided to leave the cleanup mess until the next morning.

The next morning, I was getting my coffee and I noticed thousands of little tiny footprints in the flour on the counter top.

Needless to say, I wasted no time calling the FBI. They CONFIRMED that I did, in fact, have AntTracks.

Stupid terrorists!!

Quote #1244

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see."
- JohnBurroughs

Christmas 1914, War at Peace

Christmas 1914

The war in Europe was only four months old, yet it had already reached a savagery unknown until that time. After the initial success of the German army, the war became a desperate trench struggle with a very high casualty count. The promise of early success seemed like a far away dream. The snow and the cold of 1914 made things even worse, but as the darkness fell on Christmas Eve something happened that would never occur again.

Sir Edward Hulse, a 25-year-old lieutenant, wrote in his diary about this strange occurrence. "A scout named F. Marker went out and met a German Patrol and was given a glass of whisky and some cigars, and a message was sent back, saying that if we didn't fire at them they would not fire at us." That night, where the fighting only five days earlier had been fierce, suddenly just stopped.

The following morning, Christmas day, German soldiers walked towards the British lines while the British came out to greet their enemy. They exchanged souvenirs with each other and the British gave the German soldiers plum pudding as a Christmas greeting. Soon arrangements were made to bury the dead British soldiers whose bodies were lying in no man's land. The Germans brought the bodies over and prayers were exchanged.

The sprit of Christmas overcame the horror of war as peace broke out across the front. The Germans, who previously were viewed as demonized beasts by the British and French, almost always initiated it. This contact was followed by song. The Germans sang 'Die Wacht Am Rhein' and the British soldiers sang 'Christians Wake.' It was in many ways a miracle. Sapper J. Davey, a British soldier, wrote this in his diary. "Most peculiar Christmas I've ever spent and ever likely to. One could hardly believe the happenings." Hate, for a moment, disappeared along the Western front.

Another British soldier, Second Lt. Dougan Chater wrote, "About 10 o'clock this morning I was peeping over the parapet when I saw a German, waving his arms, and presently two of them got out of their trenches and came towards ours. We were just going to fire on them when we saw that they had no rifles so one of our men went out to meet them and in about two minutes the ground between the two lines of trenches was swarming with men and officers of both sides, shaking hands and wishing each other a happy Christmas." This continued for nearly an hour before their superiors ordered the men back to their trenches.

The powers to be objected to this display of humanity by the common soldier. For a brief moment, their gesture ended a war that the leaders of both sides would continue to fight for nearly four more years. Millions more would die, indeed many of the men who greeted each other would perish, but their sprits live on in history as an example to all of us. We have much more in common with each other than the differences that divide us. Peace is better than war. Understanding is more important than division. Love can overcome hate. Always question our leaders. Happy Holidays!

Sources: The First World War, Martin Gilbert