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~ I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

~ I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

~ I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

~ Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

How Not To Pass Your Driving Test

1. Turn the radio on.  When the tester goes to turn it off slap his/her hand.
2. Rev the car really high, turn to the tester, and say with an evil look, "Buckle up!"
3. Knock over every cone while doing maneuverability.  In the middle of it, get out and check to see if you have hit every one.
4. Come dressed in a bio-suit.  Before the examiner gets in the car, ask him/her to put a piece of plastic wrap down so he doesn't dirty the seat.
5. When the examiner tells you to stop, step on the gas.  Tell him/her that you thought it was the brake.
6. When the examiner tells you to stop, pop the hood latch and say, "Oops."
7. Get in the car, look down at the pedals, and say, "Now which one is the gas again?"
8. After the examiner gets in the car, pop the hood, and get out and check the oil.
9. Fill your car with styrofoam packing peanuts.
10. The whole time driving, talk about how Aunt Charlotte smells like mothballs.
11. Tell the registrar that you are taking the remedial test.
12. In the middle of driving, put your arm around the examiner.
13. Yell at everybody on the road.
14. When you stop at a light, start revving the engine while looking back and forth between the person next to you and the light.
15. Beep your horn at everything.
16. Break off your rear-view mirror before the test, then when the examiner gets in the car, ask the examiner to hold it up.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:

• A nose ring and bifocals
• Spiked hair and bald spots
• A pierced tongue and dentures
• Miniskirts and support hose
• Ankle bracelets and corn pads
• A bellybutton ring and a gallbladder surgery scar
• Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
• Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
• Bikinis and liver spots
• Short shorts and varicose veins
• In-line skates and a walker

About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip.

Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help until I thought of the solution.