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You have all seen those little hand painted signs hung in so many kitchens.  Many are heartwarming and homey, but many are simply hilarious.  Here is a collection of the funnier ones:

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines.

The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house when I bought it.

There are only three kinds of food - Frozen, Canned, & Take-out!

Abraham was reading an article out loud to his wife. "Did you know that women use about 30,000 words a day, whereas men only use 15,000 words?"

Sadie replies, "The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice."

Abraham turns to Sadie and asks, "What?"

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time.  They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.  They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist.  Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her.  He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that.  Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying, "Lady, why do you pray all the time?
Don't you know there is no God?" But, she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries.  As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do.  AS USUAL, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself.  "Hmph .  .
.I'll fix her."

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house and dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.  When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere!

The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was .  .  .  She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but, I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!"