Entertainment

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did....

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Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"
Help Line: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
Customer: "What's an ignition?"
Help Line: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."
Customer: "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

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Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"
Help Line: "Is the gas tank empty?"
Customer: "Huh?  How do I know?"
Help Line: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'.  Where is the needle pointing?"
Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'.  What does that mean?"
Help Line: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."
Customer: "What?  I paid $12,000 for this car!  Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components?  I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

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Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Your cars are horrible!"
Help Line: "What's wrong?"
Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"
Help Line: "What were you doing?"
Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor.  It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!
Help Line: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.  What do you expect us to do about it?"
Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

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Help Line: "General Motors Help Line, how can I help you?"
Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
Help Line: "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"
Customer: "How do I work it?"
Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "Do I know how to what?"
Help Line: "Do you know how to drive?"
Customer: "I'm not a technical person.  I just want to go places in my car!"

Dear John,

I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement.  Won't you forgive and forget?  Your absence is breaking my heart.  I was a fool, nobody can take your place.  I love you.

All my love, Belinda.

xxxxoooxxxx

P.S.  Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.

1.  During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

2.  He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."

3.  When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

4.  He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

5.  During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

6.  A prison guard is shaving your head.

7.  He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.

8.  He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said ..."

9.  He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v.  Mothra.

10.  Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.

11.  The sign in front of his law office reads "Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM."

12.  Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."

13.  Just before trial starts he whispers, "The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?"