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Young Mary was a dutiful child. She obeyed every rule and never once contradicted the commands that were issued daily to govern her life.

One day, when her aunt was bedridden with the flu, Mary was given the responsibility and duty of picking up her aunt's pay envelope. If the refrigerator was to be stocked for the week ahead, Mary and the rest of the family would need the money. The young girl duly went to the proper factory pay wicket, picked up the salary and hopped and skipped merrily homeward.

Alas and alack and other cries of lamentation! The envelope was jounced from her pocket. What consternation! What weeping! Mary was sent back over her route but to no avail.

Finally, she ran to the police station and cried to the desk sergeant, "I've lost my aunt's pay!"

"Cut the pig latin," the sergeant said, "just tell me where you lost them."

- By Himie Koshevoy

Once upon a time there were three little bunny rabbits, Foot, Foot-Foot, and Foot-Foot-Foot, and they were outside playing. All of a sudden, Foot grabs his head and says, "I'm really sick. I think I'm gonna die." So Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot run into the house and say, "Mama, come quick, Foot's sick and we think he's gonna die."

She says, "Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot, you go and get the doctor."

So they go to the doctor and say, "Doctor, doctor, come quick. Foot's sick and we think he's gonna die."

Doctor says, "I'll be there as soon as I can." Well, the doctor wasn't in time and Foot died, so they buried him. And Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot just sat around the house and moped.

Finally Mama says, "Foot-Foot and Foot-Foot-Foot you go outside and play. Foot's dead and that's all there is to it."

While they're outside playing, all of a sudden, Foot-Foot grabs his head and says, "Foot-Foot-Foot, I'm sick just like Foot was and I think I'm gonna die."

So Foot-Foot-Foot runs into the house and says, "Mama, come quick, Foot-Foot's sick and I think he's gonna die."

She says, "Foot-Foot-Foot, you go and get the doctor."

So he went to the doctor and said, "Doctor, doctor, come quick. Foot-Foot's sick and I think he's gonna die."

Doctor says, "I'll be there as soon as I can."

Foot-Foot-Foot says, "You'd better hurry doctor, we've already got one Foot in the grave!"

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

"Certainly, madam," he replied courteously.

"Is the restaurant open still?" inquired Mary.

"Sorry, no," came the reply, "but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?"

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. "Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese, please," said Mary.

"Certainly, madam," he replied.

"And may I have breakfast in bed?" asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. "In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please," Mary mused.

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room. The night passed uneventfully. The next morning, Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still at the desk.

"Morning, madam. Sleep well?"

"Yes, thank you," Mary replied.

"Food to your liking?"

"Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional

-- I don't think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though; they really weren't that nice at all," replied Mary truthfully.

"Oh. Well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our guest comments book. We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion," said the receptionist.

"Ok, I will. Thanks!" replied Mary. She then checked out, paused awhile, and scribbled a comment into the book.

Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. Here it is:

"Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!''

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle," Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

"I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence," the President said, adding: "Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

President Bush warned, "These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts off vertex."

Attorney General Ashcroft said, "As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertain of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks."