Entertainment

A man goes into the doctor. He says "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on." The doctor asked.

"That's nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee."

The doctor put his ear to the man's knee and heard it say "Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!"

"Sir, I really don't know what to tell you. I've never seen anything like this." The doctor was dumbfounded.

"Wait Doc. that's not it. There's more, just put your ear up to my ankle." The man urged him.

The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, "Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 buck please if you will."

"I have no idea what to tell you," the doctor said. "There's nothing in about it in my books!" he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

"I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places."

AFROPHOBIA: Fear of the return of the 70's hair styles.

DEJA FLU: The feeling that one has had this cold before.

HYPOCOINDRIA: Fear of not having correct change.

HAIRPIECE SWIMPLEX: Rash caused by wearing a toupee in a pool.

HERPES CINEPLEX: Rash caused by movie tickets priced at $9.50.

CELESTIAL SEASONINGS AFFECTIVE DISORDER: Herbal-tea addiction.

VISACARDITIS: The heart-stopping sensation brought on by exceeding your credit limit.

SONSTROKE: An attack during the reading of a will.

ROSWELL-BABY SYNDROME: Irrational fear that one's infant might be an alien.

OREOPOROSIS: Disorder caused by too many cookies, not enough milk.

A guy was down on Fisherman's Wharf in San Francisco when he saw a seafood restaurant and a sign on the Specials Board which read, "Big Lobster Tales, $5 each."

Amazed at the great value, he said to the waitress, "$5 each for lobster tails . . . is that correct?"

"Yes", she said, "It's our special just for today."

"Well", he said, "they must be little lobster tails."

"No," she replied, "they're really big!"

"Are you sure they aren't green lobster tails - and a little bit tough?"

"No", she said, "they're really big, red lobster tails"

"Big red lobster tails, $5 each?", he said, amazed.

"They must be old lobster tails!"

"No, they're definitely today's."

"Today's big red lobster tails - $5 each?" he repeated, astounded.

"Yes", she insisted.

"Well, here's my five dollars," he said, "I'll take one."

She took the money and led him to a table where she invited him to sit down. She then sat down next to him, put her hand on his shoulder, leaned over close to him and said,

"Once upon a time there was a really big red lobster ..."

There's these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost. They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them.

Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realise that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us - tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied "I'm sorry, French legionnaire-type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me...all I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top - there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry.

"I cannot help you.."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look, mate," (cos they'd stopped talking funny all of a sudden) "we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd - a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar"