Entertainment

A psychiatrist is doing rounds in his hospital with a couple of students.

They look in on one patient and the psychiatrist says to his students, "Sometimes this fellow thinks he's a temptress in a Bizet opera, but today, as you can see from his goose stepping, he thinks he's the World War II head of the Nazi Luftwaffe. What condition do you think he's suffering from?"

The first student replies, "Is he a paranoid schizophrenic with a multiple personality disorder?"

The second student says, "No, I think he just doesn't know whether he's Carmen or Goering."

When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital, the allergists voted to scratch it and the dermatologists preferred no rash moves. The gastro-enterologists had a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the obstetricians stated they were labouring under a misconception.

The ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted; the pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Grow up!"

The psychiatrists thought it was madness; the surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the radiologists could see right through it. The internists thought it was a hard pill to swallow, but the plastic surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water. The anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

Larry was tall and laconic so, of course, he hated to waste words.

"Why use two? One will do," he was frequently heard to ask. People giving him simple conversation were likely to hear, "Too much, too long. Shorter."

This is a rapid way to lose friends, but Larry was unable to change his verbally sparse and alienating ways.

This irritating habit was expended on everyone. When repairs were necessary to his house, the service people were subjected to the same language truncations.

One day the kitchen garbage disposer plugged up and he had to call he plumber. The Yellow Pages indicated Jake The Plumber had a marvelous new piece of equipment to solve such problems, so Jake was called.

When Jake got to the house, he asked, "Where is your plumbing problem?"

Larry replied, "Too much, too long. Shorter."

Jake asked, "Where?" and Larry pointed to the problem.

Larry asked, "How much?"

Jake replied, "Well, usually kitchen drain unstopping costs $100, but..."

"Too much, too long. Shorter."

"Fifty bucks."

"O. K."

Jake went out and brought in a large piece of equipment, attached a hose, and turned on a massive vacuum generator. Very quickly, the problem was solved.

Larry paid the bill, and as Jake was packing to leave, Larry asked, "How works?" and he pointed to the equipment.

Larry said, "Well, my apparatus generates a large vacuum, and..."

"Too much, too long. Shorter."

"How many words?" asked Jake.

"Three, no more."

"O. K." Jake replied. "Sucked sink."

(By Alan B. Combs)

A pastor's church was getting too large for him to cover all of the duties so he had a clone made of himself. All was going well, he could be in two hospitals at once praying for the sick, attend two meetings at the same time, this was his answer for his busy life.

Suddenly, the genes went crazy and the cloned preacher's personality changed. He started making passes towards women, yelling at drivers who cut him off, and making obscene gestors. This concerned the pastor so he and the clone took a day off and went to the Sears Tower, ate lunch, and enjoyed the view from the top.

While the clone was looking at the skyline through the telescope, the pastor pushed him over the side and that was the end of the clone. When the pastor left the building and walked past the crowd that had gathered, the police stopped him and placed him under arrest. "Under arrest"?? What's the charge?

Making an obscene clone fall.