For a computer programming class, I sat directly across from someone, and our computers were facing away from each other. A few minutes into the class, she got up to leave the room.  I reached between our computers and switched the inputs for the keyboards.  She came back and started typing and immediately got a distressed look on her face.

She called the teacher over and explained that no matter what she typed, nothing would happen.  The teacher tried everything. By this time I was hiding behind my monitor quaking red-faced.

I started to type, "Leave me alone!"

They both jumped back, silenced.  "What?!" exclaimed the teacher.

I typed, "I said leave me alone!"

The kid got real upset.  "I didn't do anything to it, I swear!"

It was all I could do to keep from laughing out loud.  This conversation between them and HAL 2000 went on for an amazing five minutes.

Me:  "Don't touch me!"

Her:  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit your keys that hard."

Me: "Who do you think you are anyway?!" etc.  Finally, I couldn't contain myself any longer and fell out of my chair laughing.

After they had realized what I had done, they both turned beet red.

Funny, I never got more than a C- in that class.

While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye.

"Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pajamas with matching robe.

"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"

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• A man told the officer he was rushing to the hospital because he had been stung by a bee, and was allergic. "There's the bee right there," he said, pointing to his dashboard. The officer looked. The bee was not only dead, but in an advanced state of decomposition.

• An officer stopped a man doing 80 mph. When he asked the driver whether he had seen the speed-limit signs, the man responded, "I went by them so fast I probably missed them."

• A man going south on I-95 was stopped near Washington Avenue doing 79 mph. "My engine misses, and I'm trying to clean out the carburetor," he told the officer. For good measure, he added, "If I don't go this fast, my car won't go at all."

• "I'm due in traffic court," one speeder said. "If I'm late they're going to enforce the bench warrant."

• When an officer told a speeder that the speed limit on the Schuylkill Expressway was 50 mph, the driver responded, "Officer, where have you been? It's 65 now."

• One speeder said simply, "I'm trying to beat my wife home. Don't ask."

• An elderly person was stopped after doing 73 mph. When told he was getting a ticket, he asked the officer, "Is there a senior citizen's discount?"