Entertainment

My wife was complaining that I spend too much time on the computer, and not enough time with her. I decided to fix that by having a "movie night" with her.

We watched Hackers, The Net, Anti-Trust, You've Got Mail and The Matrix.

She's still mad at me. What did I do?

These two boys filled up a bucket of nuts and sat down by the tree.  Out of sight, they started dividing up the nuts.  "One for you and one for me."  A couple of the nuts rolled towards the fence.

A third little boy was cycling down the road.  He heard voices and decided to investigate.  He heard the "One for you and one for me" comments.  He knew immediately what it was.  "Oh my!  Satan and St.  Peter are dividing souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled on down the road until he found an old man hobbling along with a cane.  He pleaded with the old man to come listen to the voices.  The old man shooed him away.  "Boy, can't you see I'm having trouble walking as it is now??"

But the boy wouldn't let up.  So the old man hobbled down to the fence and heard the "one for you and one for me."

"Oh my," said the old man, "It IS the Devil and St.  Peter divvying up those souls!" He turned to the boy.  "Let's see if we can see them!" They edged towards the fence, still unable to see anything, but heard finally, "and one for you and one for me.  Now, let's get those two nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

The old man beat the boy to town by fifteen minutes.

Arriving back at the dorm late one evening, my roommate explained that she had gotten lost in the school library. No one was surprised, since the library is large and has a confusing layout.

When I asked how long it took her to find an exit, she admitted she hadn't actually found the exit herself. She had used an emergency phone to call for help. Puzzled, I asked, "How did your rescuers find you if you didn't know where you were?"

"Easy," she said. "I started reading titles of books around me, and they located my position from the card catalogue."

Julie, the goober, was getting pretty desperate for money.  She decided to go to the nicer, richer neighborhoods around town and look for odd jobs as a handy woman.

The first house she came to, a man answered the door and told Julie, "Yeah, I have a job for you.  How would you like to paint the porch?"

"Sure that sounds great!" said Julie.

"Well, how much do you want me to pay you?" asked the man.

"Is fifty bucks all right?" Julie asked.

"Yeah, great.  You'll find the paint and ladders you'll need in the garage."

The man went back into his house to his wife who had been listening.

"Fifty bucks!  Does she know the porch goes all the way around the house?"
asked the wife.

"Well, she must, she was standing right on it!" her husband replied.

About 45 minutes later, Julie knocked on the door.  "I'm all finished," she told the surprised homeowner.  The man was amazed.

"You painted the whole porch?"

"Yeah," Julie replied, "I even had some paint left, so I put on two coats!"

The man reached into his wallet to pay Julie.

"Oh, and by the way," said Julie, "That's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."