Clean Jokes

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment........and they hired him!

1. NAME: Greg Bulmash

2. DESIRED POSITION: Reclining.  Ha ha.  But seriously, whatever's available.  If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

3. DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package.  If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

TRUE STORY

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon return found 4 males in her car.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required....so get out of the car. 

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up, so they can get under way. The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog.  Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the flight attendants for reassurance.

Just in case your boss catches you asleep at your desk, be ready to blurt out one of these excuses.
*********************************

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew!  I must have left the top off the whiteout.

Old Jacob Johnson, raging hypochondriac, was convinced that the pain on his left side was appendicitis.

Mrs. Johnson explained that the appendix is on the right.

"Aha! So THAT's why it hurts to much," said Jacob. "My appendix is on the wrong side!"

This joke is for those of you who remember the Y2K issue so many years ago.

Message from Rome: January 18, 1 BC

Dear Cassius,

Are you still working on the Y zero K problem?  This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. 

I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort out at the last minute.

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N.  Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection.  He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs used to show the number of hamburgers the giant chain had sold.  One day, that number stood at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB).  Within months or even weeks, that number would roll over to 100GB.  McDonald's signs, however, were designed when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs only had two numerical places.

  1. Home is where you hang your @.
  2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
  3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
  4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
  5. Great groups from little icons grow.
  6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
  7. C:\ is the root of all directories.
  8. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
  9. Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
10. The modem is the message.

(My car is in here, so don't be offended if yours is too!)

AUDI - Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW - Big Money Works
   - Bought My Wife
   - Brutal Money Waster
   - Break My Window

BUICK - Big Ugly Indestructible Car Killer

CHEVROLET - Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
   - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time
   - Cheap Heap, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time
   - Condition Hopeless, Entire Vehicle Relies On Leftover Engine Technology