Issue #4377
Cybersalt News
Sunday greetings everyone!
It's the British Columbia Day long weekend here at Cybersalt World Headquarters.
This week, Rev. James Snyder reflects upon and muses about what he can and can't do anymore. You can read, "I Never Thought I Could":
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/i-never-thought-i-could
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
~ Pastor Tim
Today's CleanLaugh
Martha's Way vs My Way
Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone. For Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
~*~
Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.
~*~
Martha's way #3: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.
~*~
Martha's way #4: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be any leftovers.
~*~
Martha's way #5: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for you.
~*~
Martha's way #6: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
~*~
Martha's way #7: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
~*~
Martha's way #8: Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
~*~
Martha's way #9: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
~*~
Martha's way #10: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.
~*~
Martha's way #11: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't the headache anymore. Now you are blind.
~*~
Martha's way #12: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dish-washing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
~*~
Martha's way #13: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the antibacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
Today's One Liner
One-liner #1306
Anyone who goes to a psychoanalyst should have his head examined.
- Samuel Goldwyn
Today's Clean Pun
"E" Equals
Einstein developed a theory about space;
and it was about time too.
Today's Quote
Quote #1747
"When you go through a trial, the sovereignty of God is the pillow upon which you lay your head."
- C.H. Spurgeon
Today's Illustration
From the Mouths of Children
"The only accidents are the ones you make in your pants."
Ari K, age 7
"Everyone has feelings, except for snakes and principals."
Donna Maria G, age 9
"Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and the world laughs at you."
Rob P, age 8
"If life gives you nothing but lemons, make up a better shopping list for it."
Steven B, age 8
"Don't eat ladyfingers - even if you know the lady they came from."
Susannah K, age 6
"When a movie is PG-13 that means how many minutes your mom will let you watch before turning it off."
Jon G, age 12
"Moses came down with the Ten Amendments, which were God's Bill of Wrongs."
Susie F, age 7
"Doctors automatically know what's wrong with you. They have a sick sense."
Beau M, age 10
"My dog had worms. I think he was going fishing."
Emma, age 4
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.