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Today's CleanLaugh
 1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?
What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly. Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.
Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
A. Baseball.
B. Football.
C. Curling.
D. Golf.
E. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. (Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by a TV sitcom, where the husband told his wife, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")
Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear!"
Inappropriate responses include:
A. I suppose so.
B. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
C. That depends on what you mean by love.
D. Does it matter?
E. Who, me?
Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
A. Compared to what?
B. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
C. A little extra weight looks good on you.
D. I've seen fatter.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
A. Yes, but you have a better personality.
B. Not prettier, but definitely thinner.
C. Not as pretty as you when you were her age.
D. Define pretty.
E. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
Question# 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.") No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
Woman: Would you get married again?
Man: Definitely not!
W: Why not, don't you like being married?
M: Of course I do.
W: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
M: Okay, I'd get married again.
W: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
M: Yes, I would.
W: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
M: Where else would we sleep?
W: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
M: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
W: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
M: Of course not, Dear. She's left-handed.
Today's One-liner
 Kids today don't know how easy they have it: when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
Today's Clean Pun
 A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low on coal. The engineer said to his fireman,
"We're coming to a town, let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the name of the town on the depot sign?"
The fireman replied, "It appears to be Danzig in the dark."
And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
Today's Quote
"Humanity's particular beauty is only possible because of its brave fragility. Look to your vulnerable God."
- Ann Voskamp
Cybersalt is a supporter of PEM.
We invite you to join us in supporting persecuted Christians.
Today's Illustration
 A male pastor walked into a neighborhood pub to use the restroom. The place was hopping with music and dancing, until people saw the pastor. As the room quieted down he walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should."
"Why not?" the pastor asked. "I really need to use a restroom!"
"Well, I don't think you should. There is a statue of a naked woman in there — and she's only covered by a fig leaf!"
"Nonsense," said the pastor, "I'll look the other way!"
So, the bartender showed the clergyman the door at the top of the stairs, and he proceeded to the restroom.
After a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again! He went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. When I came in here, the place was hopping with music and dancing. Then the room became absolutely quiet. I went to the restroom, and now the place is hopping again."
"Well, now you're one of us!" said the bartender. "Would you like a drink too?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled pastor.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about a drink?"
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.
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