Cybersalt News

Happy New Year everybody!

I just realized that 2013 will mark the 15th anniversary of Cybersalt.  The first joke sent to the original "Pastor Tim's CleanLaugh List" went out on September 28, 1998.  I'm still pretty amazed that I was able to accomplish that at the young age of 10!  Anyway, I'm going to have to try to think up a fun way to mark the occasion.  If you have an ideas (other than "get a life") e-mail me with "Cybersalt 15th" in the subject.

Enough about the future  - there is a new funny picture page on the site today.  You will find "Find Your Neighbors" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/find-your-neighbors

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

How To Write A College Paper

How to write a College Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at the third floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one of your favorite CDs and that's it, I mean it, as soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

11. Phone your friend on the third floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

12. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

13. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.

14. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: a) Pro Bowler's Tour b) any movie starring Don Ameche.

15. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.

16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the thrill of it.

23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

24. Lie face down on the floor and moan.

One-liner #0907

"I lost my job at the fire hydrant factory - could never find a parking spot."
- Steven Wright

Only Puns

I have a friend whose sense of humour enjoys only jokes that exploit the different possible meanings of a word or words that sound alike but have different meanings.

All of his jokes are pungent.

Quote #1355

“I said to the man who stood at the gate of the Year "Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown."

And he replied: "Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God. That shall be to you better than light, and safer than a known way."

Resolutions - Seriously

We all chuckle at not keeping New Year’s Resolutions but as you’ll see from some of these, a lack of self-control can really hurt you.

Here’s a look at someone’s New Year’s resolutions down through the years.

RESOLUTION #1:

2007: I will read at least 20 good books a year.

2008: I will read at least 10 books a year.

2009: I will read 5 books a year.

2010: I will finish The Pelican Brief

2011: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.

2012: I will read at least one article this year.

2013: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

2007: I will get my weight down below 180.

2008: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.

2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.

2010: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.

2011: I will work out 5 days a week.

2012: I will work out 3 days a week.

2013: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

[gbwl]RESOLUTION #3:

2007: I will not spend my money frivolously.

2008: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.

2009: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.

2010: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2009.

2011: I will be totally out of debt by 2010.

2012: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2011.

2013: I will try to be out of the country by 2012.

RESOLUTION #4:

2010: I will try to be a better husband to Marge.

2011: I will not leave Marge.

2012: I will try for a reconciliation with Marge.

2013: I will try to be a better husband to Wanda.

RESOLUTION #5:

2010: I will stop looking at other women.

2011: I will not get involved with Wanda.

2012: I will not let Wanda pressure me into another marriage.

2013: I will stop looking at other women.

RESOLUTION #6:

2010: I will not let my boss push me around.

2011: I will not let my sadistic boss drive me to the point of suicide.

2012: I will stick up for my rights when my boss bullies me.

2013: I will tell Dr. Hodger and the group about my boss.

[gbwl]RESOLUTION #7:

2010: I will not get upset when Charlie makes jokes about my baldness.

2011: I will not get annoyed when Charlie kids me about my toupee.

2012: I will not get angry when Charlie tells the guys I wear a girdle.

2013: I will not speak to Charlie.

RESOLUTION #8:

2010: I will not take a drink before 5:00 p.m.

2011: I will not touch the bottle before noon.

2012: I will not become a "problem drinker".

2013: I will not miss any AA meetings.

RESOLUTION #9:

2010: I will see my dentist this year.

2011: I will have my cavities filled this year.

2012: I will have my root canal work done this year.

2013: I will get rid of my denture breath this year.

RESOLUTION #10:

2010: I will go to church every Sunday.

2011: I will go to church as often as possible.

2012: I will set aside time each day for prayer and meditation.

2013: I will try to catch the late night sermonette on TV.