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Today's featured page reminds me of a true story that happened to me when I was 19 years old. I was doing a summer internship at a church in Cornwall, Ontario, and one particular man was always telling me to speak up when I preached. For several Sunday's I tried to speak louder, only to have him repeat his request on the way out after church each week.
Finally, after practically swallowing the mic trying to talk closer to it at his repeated request, I very gently suggested that maybe he should have his hearing tested as he may need a hearing aid. He answered, "I have a hearing aid, but it's at home in my desk because I don't like wearing it."
I strangled him in my mind (but not in my heart).
You'll find "Bird Offerings": at:
http://www.cybersalt.org/cartoons/bird-offerings-cartoon
Enjoy the rest of today's digest.
Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Shades of Tanning"
Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye.
Gazing at myself in the mirror the next day, I thought, "Man, I look like a clown."
I had almost convinced myself that I was over-reacting until I got in line at the grocery store. I felt a tug at my shirt and looked down to see a toddler staring up at me.
He asked, "Are you giving out balloons?"
Today's CleanPun - "Damsel Dress"
Once upon a time an evil king captured a beautiful princess and held her hostage in his high tower. Though she was very beautiful he forced her to wear a disgusting and smelly burlap dress.
"You'll never get away with this," she cried. "Some brave knight will rescue me!"
"Not in that old, dirty thing," the evil king replied.
She waited day and night, but it was just as the king predicted. Every knight that saw her in the window of the high tower was scared away by her disgustingly dirty dress. After many months the princess broke down crying and the evil king taunted her:
"You see? I told you no knight would rescue a damsel in this dress!"
Today's One Liner
"I keep trying to ostracize people but I can't get their attention."
Today's CleanQuote
"A blind boy paid his way to a master's degree at Northwestern University by taking notes on class lectures in Braille, typing them, and selling copies to classmates who had stronger eyes but weaker ambition."
Today's Illustration - "How to Lie to the Bathroom Scales"
Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
1. Weigh yourself with clothes on, after dinner...as well as in the morning, without clothes, before breakfast, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.
2. Never weigh yourself with wet hair.
3. When weighing, remove everything, including glasses. In this case, blurred vision is an asset. Don't forget the earrings, these things can weigh at least a pound.
4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off...to your advantage, of course.
5. Always go to the bathroom first.
6. Stand with arms raised, making pressure on the scale lighter. (Waving them is optional but occasionally helps!)
7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in,completely naked, of course.
8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).
9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)
10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.
Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.