July 2011 - Monthly Archive

31 Jul

Quotes

Pastor Tim

1356

Quote #1135

"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland read more..

31 Jul

Sermons

Marcia Lee Laycock

1189

To bring us to the journey God has for us, He instructs, guides, teaches, and confides in us. Each of these things - though sounding the same - are different. Listen Online:{audio}podca... read more..

30 Jul

Clean Jokes

Pastor Tim

3243

Border Declaration

Finishing up our work at a trade show in San Diego, my co-worker Maureen and I decided to go sightseeing across the border in Tijuana, Mexico. While there, we went shopping and bought a few pieces of ... read more..

30 Jul

Clean Jokes

Pastor Tim

4269

Mom's Bath Note

Dear Kids, Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve soap and water. Yes, I know how to swim.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Jokes

Pastor Tim

3373

Shades of Tanning

Before going on vacation, I went to a tanning salon. I was under the lights so long that the protective shades I wore left a big white circle around each eye. Gazing at myself in the mirror the next ... read more..

Assorted Puns Too Painful To Send Individually

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1928

Assorted Puns Too Painful To Send Individually

Q. What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?A. Chocolate chimp cookies.Q. What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?A. Bacon and legs.Q. What's a cat's favorite breakfast?A... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2539

Baby Name Puns

Baby name ideas, based on your occupation!PROFESSION.................................NAMELawyer's daughter.............................SueThief's son........................................RobLawyer's... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2035

Bear Pun 1

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear. Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yello... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2345

Bear Pun 2

Three men came back from fishing one day, but when they got back to their truck, they saw it was surrounded by three bears. One of the men said, "OK, guys, I figure the only way we're gonna get back ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1981

Benny's Three Wishes

Benny worked at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. His primary job was to keep the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2232

Bird Puns

Some of these are pretty bad.What birds spend all their time on their knees?Birds of prey.What do you call a very rude bird?A mockingbird.Where do birds meet for coffee?In a nest-cafe.What do you call... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

4626

Borscht

With all the borscht they consume, I don't understand why Russians aren't the world's greatest rock stars. I mean, everyone knows that the heart of rock and roll is the beet.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3169

Box Pun

On my 15th birthday, I opened a package from my mom and sister. Out came a beauty case containing samples of my very own makeup. "Oh, neat," my dad said excitedly, "a tackle box!" My mother and sist... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2433

Breakdown Pun24

I was driving to work this morning when my car stalled in the damp weather. I was sitting in the car at the side of the highway, contemplating my next move, when a pigeon flew down and landed right i... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2384

Budget

I've been working on my budget. Line one is my fixed expenses, line two is my fixed income and the difference is the fix I'm in.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1949

Buffalo 1

Back in the 1960s, one animal rights group was outraged that open season had been declared on the great American buffalo to help thin the herd in and near some of our national parks. They began herdin... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

3235

Bug Pun 2

One night, as Al was watching TV, the doorbell rang. He went to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar, threw him across the room, and then left. ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2328

Bull Pun 3

ave you heard about the five young bulls standing in the pasture discussing what they wanted to be when they grew up.The first said he wanted to go to Rome and become a papal bull.The second said he w... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1938

Butler Teeth

Q: What do you call a butler with no teeth?A: An in-dentured servant.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1848

Cage Elevator

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elev... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1948

Candidate Test

After 50 years preaching from the same pulpit, a much loved pastor decided to retire. Because the church building was classically elegant, the manse spacious and comfortable and the congregation large... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2163

Cannibal Pun

If people who shun all meat are vegetarians, are cannibals then considered to be humanitarians?... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

7182

Cardboard

A young minister was filling in for Norman Vincent Peal at Marblegate Cathedral. Ascending the pulpit he looked at the magnificent colored glass windows and told the congregation: "You know, these bea... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2027

Careless Clifford

Clifford Clarke was a careless chap. Every hostess hated him. They feared for their precious porcelain and good furniture whenever this emulator of a china shop bull appeared. His reputation spread a... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1927

Cartoon Poker

The cartoon characters were playing draw poker between the takes of the epic movie, "Who Framed Roger Rabbit."Roger was the big winner but Mickey Mouse and Huckleberry Hound were doing well. Goofy, Ca... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1803

Cat Pun

My wife asked me if I put the cat out.I said I didn't know it was on fire.... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

2446

Cat Puns

!!!Warning!!! These are amongst the worst puns I have ever sent out on the CleanPun list. Admittedly though, they are in a style that some love so if the first couple don't do it for you - just stop read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1895

Chair Sleep

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, ... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

1994

Check My Leg

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!" The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to... read more..

29 Jul

Clean Puns

Pastor Tim

6480

Cher Pun

If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike?... read more..