Issue #3727


Cybersalt News

I want you to know that no cats or sharks were hurt in the making of today's new entry in the FunBlog.  No fish were hurt either.
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog/flying-shark-attacks-cat

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.


Here is today's CleanLaugh

Run Through the Woods

Two campers, both in the 60s are walking through the woods.

A huge brown bear suddenly appeared in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear spots the campers and begins to head toward them.

Joe drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.

His buddy Jack says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won't help you outrun that bear."

"I don't need to outrun the bear," Joe says. "I just need to outrun you."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0698

"The tallest blade of grass is the first to be cut by the lawnmower."


Here is today's CleanPun

Towards and Away

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea." They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

Three whole years passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week
they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must have been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible, horrible* fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away!"


Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1152

"Man has set for himself the goal of conquering the world but in the processes loses his soul."
- Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn


Here is today's Illustration

Cakes and Ale and Legalism

Here is a purported-to-be-true story someone found regarding exams at Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination one day, a bright young student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him cakes and ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me cakes and ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me cakes and ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section that read (roughly translated): "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require cakes and ale." Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily eating and slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.


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