Inspiration

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said,

"Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?"

When the subject of heaven and hell was broached in conversation one day, Ernest Hemingway politely declined to offer any opinion.

"Excuse me for not answering," he said. "I have friends in both places."

You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.

Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says, "Irv, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says, "Sol, if you had two of those luxury, millionaire-type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Irv, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Sol turns to Irv, "Irv, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Sol, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"