How to Get Rid of Your Preacher:

- Look him straight in the eye and say 'Amen' once in a while. He'll preach himself to death within a few weeks.

- Pat him on the back and brag on his good points. He'll work himself to death.

- Start paying him a living wage. He's probably been on starvation wages for so long he'll eat himself to death.

- Rededicate your own life and ask the preacher to give you a job to do. He'll probably die of heart failure.

- Get the congregation to unite in prayer for the pastor. He'll become so effective some larger church will soon take him off your hands.

"One thing I have learned from marriage is that my wife and I excel at misunderstanding. Clearly there is only one way to understand what I just said, right? I mean, what other way could there possibly be?"

- an American pastor

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me."

The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?"

The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?"

"Yes, that's true," the mother replied.

"He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?"

Again the mother replied, "Yes."

"Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

"There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they're falling in."

- Desmond Tutu