A hacker just called me and said he has all my passwords ... I jumped up, grabbed a pen and paper, and said, "Thank goodness! What are they?"
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place
On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water.
On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test.
On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device.
On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area.
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
Yesterday, it rained at Cybersalt World Headquarters: the first rain we have had in quite a while. We actually received 7mm of rain in July, but I don't count that, so it's been almost 2 months. I made a point of going outside to smell the air as it began to fall because I knew my nose had forgotten what rain smelled like. Sometimes in life, one just has to stop and smell the roses - or what waters them!
Today's video share is a great lost and found story.
Click Here to Watch.
Enjoy the rest of today's digest!
~ Pastor Tim
A screenwriter comes home to a burned down house. His sobbing and slightly-singed wife is standing outside.
"What happened, honey?" the man asks.
"Oh, John, it was terrible," she weeps. "I was cooking, the phone rang. It was your agent. Because I was on the phone, I didn't notice the stove had caught on fire. It went up in seconds. Everything is gone. I nearly didn't make it out of the house. Poor Fluffy is gone..."
"Wait! Back up a minute," the man says. "My agent called?"
People who say their wedding day was the best day ever have clearly never had two KitKats fall out of a vending machine.
One day I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!
"Your brain is a supercomputer and your self-talk is the program it will run."
- Jim Kwik
This is even funnier when you realize it's real!
Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy. Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2-FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, which was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
Hi Sue, just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this: we have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a pretty good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well, until all of a sudden, my rear end started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds, it started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into myself.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear because he and five other divers were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops, totaling thirty-five minutes, before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface and climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it onto the affected area as soon as I got into the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but it took two days before I could sit down again.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved down your pants. Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job."
Now, whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself: Is this a jellyfish bad day?
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
Susan Page writes . . . .
- photo by Susan PageIt was a breathtaking, pleasant Sunday afternoon. With my camera slung over my shoulder, I was finishing an enjoyable walk through the waterfront park. Taking a detour down a side street to admire the blossoming Magnolia trees as worship music streamed through my earbuds, all seemed right with the world. The song playing was “It is well with my soul.”
An elderly woman came across the lawn of a home I was passing and asked, “What are you listening to?”
I responded, “Worship music.”
Read moreThe Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.
One day I'm going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!
1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you? Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.
We think Cybersalt's collection of Christmas jokes is the best collection on the net. Right now it features over 70 jokes.
If you've got a Christmas joke we don't yet have, please send it to us so we can add to the collection!
It's your turn to be funny. Submit your funny caption today.
Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.
Merry Christmas!
When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here. If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!
Our collection of puns.
Our collection of funny signs.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Chickens have grown to have a special place in Cybersalt's heart!
