Harry Truman, when he was U.S President, once addressed the Washington Garden Club and kept referring to 'good manure' that must be used on flowers.
Some society ladies complained (later) to the First Lady Margaret Truman, "Bess, can't you get the President to say fertilizers?"
The First Lady replied, "Heavens, it took me 25 years to get him to say 'manure'".
Issue #4365
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
~ Pastor Tim
Tongue: a variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.
Yogurt: semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.
Recipe: a series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog won't eat.
Porridge: thick oatmeal rarely found on American tables since children were granted the right to sue their parents.
The name is an amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."
Preheat: to turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put in, as well as when it is removed.
Oven: compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of meat and poultry.
Microwave Oven: kitchen appliance that uses the principle of radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the cooking compartment.
Calorie: basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular food.
I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
"The further a society drifts from the truth, the more it will hate those that speak it."
- George Orwell
Today's Illustration
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $500."
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.
I wish I was as fat as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
Sunday greetings everyone!
Last week I shared a picture of a very young me with my very young dad (though at the time I did not know he was young too) and invited you to guess the make and model of the car we were sitting in. Thanks to everyone who guessed. Nobody got it right and I think the most disappointed guesser will be subscriber Greg C. who suggested a 1965-66 Ford Mustang Fastback. As you can see from this week's picture, that car was a 1973 Plymouth Duster. For nostalgia's sake, I'd love to have that Duster today. For fun, I'd take the Mustang Fastback!
For those of you who have followed Rev. James Snyder for a long time, you will not be surprised to know that Apple Fritters have been part of another episode in his life and marriage. You can read "The Parsonage Kitchen Shutdown Threat" at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/the-parsonage-kitchen-shutdown-threat
Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!
~ Pastor Tim
A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First, he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born?"
The man answered, "Pittsburgh," and was thrown out on his ear.
He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there, he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born?"
The man answered, "Philadelphia." He was promptly tossed out.
Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately."
The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. Where was Jesus born?"
The rabbi says, "Bethlehem."
"Of course!" cried the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania."
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
My friend David lost his ID. Now we just call him Dave.
"To love to preach is one thing, to love those to whom we preach quite another."
- D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones
Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially if you are one of the ladies who bake for church events...
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa, but she forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after running through cabinets, she found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair and dressing and helping her son pack up for Scout camp.
When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought to herself, "Oh dear. There is no time to bake another cake."
This cake was very important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
Alice found it in the bathroom-- a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30, and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When her daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom. Alice was horrified. She was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed. All night Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing their fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself that she would try not to think about the cake and she would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a new acquaintance, and try to have a good time. Alice did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from one of the founding families of Tuscaloosa. But having already RSVP'd, she could not think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South...and to Alice's horror, the CAKE in question was presented for dessert. Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake, she started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!" Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, "Thank you. I baked it myself."
Alice smiled and thought to herself, "GOD is good."
© Peter Wales 1997, Used with permission.
Include this copyright notice if used in a church bulletin or elsewhere.
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.
Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you? Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.
We think Cybersalt's collection of Christmas jokes is the best collection on the net. Right now it features over 70 jokes.
If you've got a Christmas joke we don't yet have, please send it to us so we can add to the collection!
It's your turn to be funny. Submit your funny caption today.
Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.
Merry Christmas!
When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here. If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!
Our collection of puns.
Our collection of funny signs.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Chickens have grown to have a special place in Cybersalt's heart!
