I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October ... I call it my jingle bell rock.
Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault. It was the asphalt!"
A very small, mousy man was hired as a bartender in the Old West.
The saloon owner advised him, "If you ever hear that Big John is coming to town, drop everything and run for your life."
The bartender worked for six months with no problems. Then one day a cowboy rushed in shouting, "Big John's a-comin'!"
In his hurry to get out, he knocked the small bartender to the floor.
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that many of you sent solutions and other fun sentences to the express the intent of the sentence you can speak but is impossible to write down: "There are 3 *twos*" in the English language.
Here they are in the order I received them:
"It is too hard to solve two problems at once."
- G. Taylor
"My friend and I decided that the two of us want to join the challenge, too!"
J Bodman
"The word pronounced "tōō" in English can be spelled 3 ways and mean different things."
R. Outler
"There are three words in the English language (to, too and two) all pronounced the same."
P. Ward
"There are too many of you to ask for two tutus!"
P. Stewart
"February 22nd 2022 (2/22/22) falls on a Wednesday, but we'll be able to call it 2's Day."
J. J. Westberg
"There are three English words that sound like two."
M. Wildner
"Just thought in the light of your comments around "to, too, two", you'd appreciate me sharing this.
How do you soothe a grammar pendant? 'There, their, they're.'"
M. Howard
"In the English language we use "two, to, and too" at different times, and they are all pronounced the same way."
W. McLauren
Thank you, everyone, for the fun and creativity. Some of you actually stayed on task!
And now the bad news.
I thought a clever way to solve the sentence would be to say, "There are 3 tews in the English language" since the reader would be forced to make the sound of the sentence's meaning.
But then I decided I better check and make sure "tew" was not a real world. And guess what? According to Miriam Webster (who admittedly has caused me a lot of problems down through the years) "tew" is actually a word. You can read the definition (by clicking here) and you will see it has two meanings.
You realize what this means, right?
In the English language, there are four . . . . . . . . .
Crap!
~ Pastor Tim
The police recently busted a man selling 'secret formula' tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.
When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.
He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983.
I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink; turns out it was the refrigerator.
"Be a Billionaire!"
and Help
Refugees and
Persecuted Christians
Two fish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."
“One important dimension of prayer is finding your own ritual and your own routine. Just like Daniel, you need to find your open window toward Jerusalem.”
- Mark Batterson
A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.
The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Good grief man, don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!"
"Oh no!" screamed the lawyer, looking down at his missing arm. "Where's my Rolex?"
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.
Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you? Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.
We think Cybersalt's collection of Christmas jokes is the best collection on the net. Right now it features over 70 jokes.
If you've got a Christmas joke we don't yet have, please send it to us so we can add to the collection!
It's your turn to be funny. Submit your funny caption today.
Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.
Merry Christmas!
When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here. If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!
Our collection of puns.
Our collection of funny signs.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Chickens have grown to have a special place in Cybersalt's heart!
