The Bathing Suit (by an unknown middle-aged woman)
When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job. Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.
I ate a clock yesterday; it was very time consuming.
On instructions for a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
Click here to view this edition online!
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
My shop cleanup project is coming along. My progress was slowed for 3 days due to a sprained ankle (not due to tripping on clutter), but I now have a clear path to the back corner. Now all I have to do is tidy/toss/clean my my back to the door!
Today's video share reminds us that sometimes making a mess can be a beautiful thing!
Click here to watch.
~ Pastor Tim
On instructions for a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial bath bar:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a frozen dinner package:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On a hotel-provided shower cap box:
Fits one head.
On Tesco's Tirimisu dessert:
Do not turn upside down (Printed on the bottom of the box)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
On packaging from a Rowenta Iron.
Do not iron clothes on body.
On Boot's children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On a bottle of Nytol (a sleeping aid):
Warning: May cause drowsiness.
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: Keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines package of nuts:
Instructions: Open package, eat nuts.
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
On a package of Sunmaid raisins:
Why not try tossing over your favorite breakfast cereal?
I ate a clock yesterday; it was very time consuming.
"Be a Billionaire!"
and Help
Refugees and
Persecuted Christians
Did you hear about the guy from Utah who wanted to become a writer?
Well, he tried for many years but never produced anything he was satisfied with and, certainly, never sold anything. So, he took up carpentry.
This was a great career move because he had a great aptitude for wood butchery. In fact, he became a highly sought after cabinet maker.
He billed himself as the Mormon Nailer.
"I'm not busy ... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy."
- Garrison Keillor
The wonderful comic, Sam Levenson, had a great answer to anti-Semites.
"It's a free world and you don't have to like Jews, but if you DON'T, I suggest that you boycott certain Jewish products, like .....
The Wasserman Test for syphilis, Digitalis, discovered by Doctor Nuslin,
Insulin, discovered by Doctor Minofsky,
Chloral Hydrate, discovered by Doctor Lifreich,
The Schick Test for Diphtheria,
Vitamins, discovered by Doctor Funk,
Streptomycin, discovered by Doctor Woronan,
The Polio Pill by Doctor Sabin,
and the Polio Vaccine by Doctor Jonas Salk.
Go on, boycott!
Humanitarian consistency requires that my people offer all these gifts to all people of the world.
Fanatic consistency requires that all bigots accept Syphilis, Diabetes, Convulsions, Malnutrition, Polio and Tuberculosis as a matter of principal.
You want to be mad at us? Be mad at us! But I'm telling you, you ain't going to feel so good."
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.
Click here to view this edition online!
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
One of the signs that tells me I am tired and need a break is when I notice an increase in wanting to reply to some of the stupid things people post on social media. I'm not going to go into details because as my friend says to me, "Better Tim, not bitter Tim!" I know not much good comes from adding my sarcastic or trolling thoughts to the collection (as hilarious as they are, lol.)
I have also been abstaining from participating in the culture wars online. Like in any war, the objective of both sides is to beat the other side down to capitulation and then take them captive and control them. Most of the social battles our world is divided over are not going to be solved by conquering the other side. When those on both sides of an argument refuse to give even an inch, there can be no victories along the way in gaining common ground.
I would rather be 100 feet closer to someone who disagrees with me than forever 200 feet away from them. I am not arguing for compromising what one holds, I just think that by meeting in the middle, or some other point, the other side may want to travel further back with me.
Speaking of dirty stuff, today's video share is of a rug being cleaned. Don't ask me why, but I enjoyed watching "Dead Relatives Wish Was To Have This Rug Cleaned."
Click here to watch.
~ Pastor Tim
A local priest and pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car.
One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone you religious nuts!"
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor . . . . .
"You think we should just put up a sign that says 'bridge out' instead?"
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
"Be a Billionaire!"
and Help
Refugees and
Persecuted Christians
"Hundreds of kids are shipped off to Mime Boarding School every year, never to be heard from again."
“Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
Calvin Coolidge, the 30th president of the United States, was popularly known as "Silent Cal."
One time at a party, a woman walked up to him and said, "My husband bet me I couldn't get three words out of you."
Coolidge replied, "You lose."
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.
Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you? Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.
We think Cybersalt's collection of Christmas jokes is the best collection on the net. Right now it features over 70 jokes.
If you've got a Christmas joke we don't yet have, please send it to us so we can add to the collection!
It's your turn to be funny. Submit your funny caption today.
Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.
Merry Christmas!
When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here. If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!
Our collection of puns.
Our collection of funny signs.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Chickens have grown to have a special place in Cybersalt's heart!
