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Before you get to today’s supersized CleanLaugh, a bit down this e-mail (post number 2,211), I want to mention that today is the 6th anniversary of the CleanLaugh list. That’s right; September 28, 1998 was CleanLaugh number 1. This is still fun for me. Contrary to what some assume (I once got an e-mail saying a person was praying for me and my staff!) most of my stuff is done and managed by me alone – although my three kids have been recently learning some computer stuff to help. The last 6 years have been a blast as one list turned into 7 lists (http://www.cybersaltlists.org) and a bunch of sites. Thank you to all of you for being a part of this and for helping to keep me off the streets and out of trouble at night.

As always, my lists and humor pages are free. There are ways, however, that you can help support the list(s) and sites if you are able and if you wish to do so. On this occasion I thought I would briefly list some of them and if you are interested you can visit the links and find out more. There is an ad free version of the CleanLaugh for a modest subscription fee (http://www.cybersaltlists.org/cladfree.htm). If you have a web page, you might consider hosting it through Cybersalt (http://www.cybersalt.net). You might also buy software, which will remove Adware and Spyware from your computer - if you find any after the no fee scan - (http://www.cybersalt.net/rdnuker.htm). Sponsoring a child through Compassion International is also a wonderful way you can support Cybersalt and make a difference in a kid’s life (http://www.cybersalt.net/rdcomp.htm). Did you know there is a CleanLaugh book? You can order it for 10% off at (http://www.cybersalt.net/ptcl110.htm)? Finally, you can always just donate if you like (https://www.cybersalt.org/donate).

OK, that’s enough of that. Like I said, the lists and funny pages (there is a link to a new one 6 days a week right after the joke of the day) are free for all to enjoy without guilt or obligation. In honor of the CleanLaugh 6th anniversary, and my long-windedness above, here is today’s extra large CleanLaugh.

*Answers to the question: “Why did the chicken cross the road?”*

Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Anderson Consulting: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes.

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

B.F. Skinner: Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)

Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book.

Blake: To see heaven in a wild fowl.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Carl Jung: The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

Constable: To get a better view.

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Donne: It crosseth for thee.

Douglas Adams: Forty-two.

Dr Johnson: Sir, had you known the Chicken for as long as I have, you would not so readily enquire, but feel rather the Need to resist such a public Display of your own lamentable and incorrigible Ignorance.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Epicurus: For fun.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

George W. Bush: Because that’s what the Iraqi people wanted.

Hamlet: That is not the question.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in its pancreas.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo-sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Jack Nicholson: 'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Jacques Derrida: Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DEAD DEAD!

Jean-Paul Sartre: In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway?"

Johann von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

John Kerry: I actually voted for the chicken to cross before I voted against it crossing.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Kafka: Hardly the most urgent enquiry to make of a low-grade insurance clerk who woke up that morning as a hen.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Keats: Philosophy will clip a chicken's wings.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

Ludwig Wittgenstein: The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

Macbeth: To have turned back were as tedious as to go o'er.

Machiavelli: So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MICHAEL SCHUMACHER; it was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until he had already started to cross.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!

Mrs. Thatcher: This chicken's not for turning.

Nietzsche: Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Oliver North: National Security was at stake.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Oscar Wilde: Why, indeed? One's social engagements whilst in town ought never expose one to such barbarous inconvenience - although, perhaps, if one must cross a road, one may do far worse than to cross it as the chicken in question.

Othello: Jealousy.

Plato: For the greater good.

Pope: It was mimicking my Lord Hervey.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Supreme Soviet: There has never been a chicken in this photograph.

Swift: It is, of course, inevitable that such a loathsome, filth-ridden and degraded creature as Man should assume to question the actions of one in all respects his superior.

The Godfather: I didn't want its mother to see it like that.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Thomas de Torquemada: Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Whitehead: Clearly, having fallen victim to the fallacy of misplaced concreteness.

Wordsworth: To wander lonely as a cloud.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side

The Chicken: To show the opossum that it "could" be done!

Details

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "Macho," and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

"Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

Details

Joe's wife likes to sing so she decided to join the church choir. From time to time she would practice while she was in the kitchen preparing dinner. Whenever she would start in on a song, Joe would head outside to the porch.

His wife, with hurt feelings, said, "What's the matter, Joe? Don't you like my singing?"

Joe replied, "Honey, I love your singing, but I just want to make sure the neighbors know I'm not beating you."

Details

Canterbury, England.  AD 999.

An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of.
Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise?  Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned?  Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.  All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost.  In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.

"We should have seen it coming," says Brother Cedric of St.  Michael's Abbey, here in Canterbury.  "What worries me most is that 'THOUSAND' contains the word 'THOU,' which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course, always refers to God.  Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion.  Of course, we would always use Latin, but that might be even worse-the Latin word for 'THOUSAND' is 'mille'-which is the same as the Latin for 'mile.' We will not know whether we are talking about time or distance"

Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments.  Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.

A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival.  Many families, in expectation of the worst, are stocking up on holy water and indulgences.

Details

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina.  One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor.  The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much.  The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.  He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other.  One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.  After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?," they asked, as they moved off.  "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.  One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mom.  Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responds, "But they are twins-if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays.  After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs Benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap.  He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "O, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.  The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.  One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract.  Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.  The doctor came in took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat.  He came across two men.  One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.  The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.  Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.  He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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The Best Kept Secret Ever!

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This husband and wife decided to have some fun and surprise all their friends and family with the big news of not just gender, but having twins.
 

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The Best Kept Secret Ever!

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This husband and wife decided to have some fun and surprise all their friends and family with the big news of not just gender, but having twins.

 

 

 

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ss secret

The Best Kept Secret Ever!

July 06, 2015 Entertainment Pastor Tim
This husband and wife decided to have some fun and surprise all their friends and family with the big news of not just gender, but having twins.

 

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