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There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior.

One day she comes up with an idea: Since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up.

She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood.

Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.

Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace.

Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"

Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?"

To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."

Randy W., of Los Angeles, put his mind to the oft-experienced problem of facing modern situations for which there are no existing words or phrases in the English language. The following are his suggestions for some situations to which we might all be able to relate.

arachnoleptic fit, n:

The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

bozone, n:

The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.

cashtration, n:

The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

caterpallor, n:

The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

dopelar effect, n:

(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly. (2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

extraterrestaurant, n:

An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.

Grantartica, n:

The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.

intaxication, n:

Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

kinstirpation, n:

A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.

lullabuoy, n:

An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference.

After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he repaints the car for the snail.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed.

And, whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say, "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

Noah opens up the ark and lets all the animals out, telling them to "Go forth and multiply."

As he's closing the great doors of the ark he notices that there are two snakes sitting in a dark corner. So he says to them, "Didn't you hear me? You can now go forth and multiply."

"No we can't," said the Mr. Snake.

"Now wait a minute -- these are not my instruction, they come right from God."

"We'll we can't."

"Why can't you?"

The snake said, "It's all Adam's fault."

Noah replied, "What has Adam to do with the fact that you can't go forth and multiply?"

We can't," said the snakes, "he named us adders."