Entertainment

This morning I was walking down the street and I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn!

I think it was an orchestrated attack.

I understand why we need warning labels on products but I think they should start including the back story of why the warning was necessary ... just to spice things up.

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Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings, everyone.

With yesterday being the Northern Hemisphere's winter solstice (the shortest day for daylight), today will be longer than yesterday by about 20 seconds. You know what that means - it's time to get the sunblock out!

Today's video share is proof that there are never enough strings on a guitar for some people!
Click here to listen.

~ Pastor Tim 

IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of this season's gift distribution business.  Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share.  He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip.  Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer--who will retrain at the Harvard Business School--is anticipated.  Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press.

I am pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed.  Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole.  Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose got that way, not from the cold, but from substance abuse.  Calling Rudolph "a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load" was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.

Today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps.  Effective immediately, the following economic measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas"  subsidiary:

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted.  It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost-effective.  In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned.  The positions are therefore eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact.  After all, everyone loves the French.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call-waiting option.  An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors.  Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors.  Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded.  It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity.  Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it obtains will be more productive.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times.  Their function is primarily decorative.  Mechanical swans are on order.  The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC.  A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought.  The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility.  Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-mulching.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number.  This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.

Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill.  The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work Congresspersons.  While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed Congresspersons this year.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big.  A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.

We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses.  Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient.  If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing"), action is pending.

Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive.  Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the most efficient number.

If you've ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you've seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

- Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

"Be a Billionaire!"

and Help

Refugees and

Persecuted Christians

I'm reading a book about school truancy by Marcus Absent.

Sometimes the best Christmas present is remembering what you've already got.

- Cathy Guisewite

A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.

When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, “Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot.”

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, “Don't worry. We already crucified him."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Rev. James Snyder, God's Penman, writes . . . . 

Working in my office the other morning, I heard some rattling noises on the other side of the house. Being as busy as I was, I didn't take the time to find out what that noise was all about. When I'm working on a project, I like to stay on the project.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.

IMMEDIATE DOWNSIZING MEASURES EMPLOYED

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance of this season's gift distribution business.  Home shopping channels, the Internet, and mail order catalogs have diminished Santa's market share.  He could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.